Nowadays we encounter increasing cases of abuse, gradually discovering a new world. A world that until recently we could have never imagined that could allow all these different kinds of abuse, so many perpetrators and victims. Whether we talk about sexual, physical, or psychological abuse, the common thought of all victims is this: “Is it my fault?”.]
All forms of abuse come as a strike to the individual’s self-esteem. It puts its strength under test and releases reflexive emotions such as anger and guilt. Guilt for whom? Guilt for what?
Guilt arises when we consider a situation to be harmful to someone else or to ourselves. This feeling is tormenting and persistent, on a conscious and unconscious level.
Victims are angry with themselves, as the only way to hold someone accountable – even if it is to be their own self. This “self” becomes their judge criticizing and blaming them for what happened. Taking responsibility is a necessary need for an action that transcends boundaries and human reason, as an effort to understand and accept / reconcile with abusive behavior.
Taking responsibility inflicts the feeling to the abused that he can avoid the recurrence of abusive behavior in the future. But is it really so?
What to remember about guilt:
- Guilt can be salutary. The intensity of the feeling of guilt after a harmful behavior makes the victim avoid its recurrence.
- Guilt and anger preserve self-blame and the silent management of abuse. Some victims experience behavioral self-blame, believing they have done something wrong and caused the abuse themselves, while other victims experience the characterological self-blame, thinking they have done something wrong and therefore deserve to be punished, redeeming their self-anger through the perpetrator’s actions.
- Guilt after an abusive experience comes with the feeling of “freeze” as an attempt to “turn off” the intensity of emotions, coming from a sense of self-frustration.
- Abuse is never forgotten nor justified. The only way to relieve guilt is through non-critical and accepting contact with another person.
Most people that experienced abuse in their lives continue to live with intense feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, and confusion. The support of family and friends is important and necessary for healing, as well as, the appropriate guidance and support from mental health professionals. The goal of treatment is to enable the victim to control their emotions in a safe environment through open communication, trust and acceptance.
